Girls! Remember that PENGUINS are swallows that ate after 18-00!
My wife went on a diet, well, and I'm with her for company. Late evening, everyone is sleeping, and I want to eat...
I go to the refrigerator, take out a cutlet, sit down at the table and eat without turning on the light.
Then the eldest son comes to the kitchen. Well, I froze so he wouldn't notice me.
And he put a chair to the switch and turned on the light ...
You should have seen my face when I saw my wife... from the other side of the kitchen table!...
I am fat?
- Not.
But it wouldn't hurt to lose weight, right?
- I like you like that.
But I don't get excited, do I?
- You excite.
But not crazy, right?
Honey, I'm on a diet so I'll only eat lobster, truffles and lobster!
- Why are you petty! Eat money now!
You've lost so much weight! Is this a new diet?
- Yes, carrots, beets and potatoes.
- And what did you do, cook or fry?
- Kopal!
I love my brother very much. And he loves me.
I left him to look after the apartment while I went on a business trip. And he built an additional function into my refrigerator: as soon as you open the door from eight in the evening to six in the morning, a pleasant female voice is heard:
- Stop eating, cow!
I have already lost six kilograms in two months ...
The only chance to lose weight with green tea is to climb mountains to collect it!
I am losing weight on three diets at once. I don't eat one.
Nutritionist - patient:
- So, so, here is your diet: 300 g of stewed zucchini per day, 400 g of chicory greens and as many lettuce leaves as you want.
- Doctor, do you need to hang a bell around your neck or can you graze like that?
And why are chocolates wrapped in such a rustling wrapper?
The whole apartment can hear how I'm losing weight ...
Patient dietitian:
- How much do you weigh?
- Now 116 kg, and the maximum was 121 kg.
- What about the minimum?
- 3 kg 600 g.
Lucy ate like a bird - half her weight a day.
Today I tried to wear summer shorts. But the ass turned out to be still winter ...
The pounds shed at the gym were patiently waiting for me in the fridge...
Remember! Opening the fridge after 6pm turns the princess into a pumpkin!
The most important element in a weight loss diet is sleep!
- What is it like?
- I didn’t fall asleep in time - I ate pies!
Everyone has their own recipe for happiness. It's written on my ceiling: "Tomorrow I quit eating." Every morning, waking up, I see this inscription and think: it's good that tomorrow, not today.
1) Take a picture of the figure
2) You eat wildly for six months
3) Take another photo
4) Swap before and after places
5) Post
6) Collect likes
7) Give advice
I always want two things: to lose weight and eat.
A fat, very fat woman comes to the doctor, she only walks through the door sideways. The doctor tells her:
- Woman, you need to eat less.
- You know, I don't eat at all. I just eat up for everyone:
husband, son, daughter, grandchildren.
- And you get a pig.
- Still and for it to drive up?!
I got on the scales ... laxative tea, of course, gives its results ... but before the model, I still have to shit and shit ...
I strictly follow a diet: yogurt in the morning, tea with lemon for lunch, for dinner - a light salad of meat, sausage, sour cream, dumplings, chicken, buns and fish ...
Tell me, doctor, what exercises are good for losing weight?
- I recommend that you turn your head from right to left and the doctor answered from left to right.
- How often?
- Whenever you are treated!
I wanted to lose five kilograms before the summer, there are still seven!
The "butterfly" tattoo on the lower back of a girl who has lost 15 kg has turned back into a caterpillar....
It is urgent to stop something! .. Either eat or weigh yourself ...
How can you sleep peacefully knowing that there is a lonely pie in the refrigerator in the kitchen?
A brick placed on the refrigerator door will save your family from overeating and pleasantly diversify the silence of the night.
I realized that it was time to finish the diet, when the reaction to the insect running out of the salad was not "Ew, well, what the hell?!", but "Where???!!!"
I bought Chinese tea for weight loss! With cake - awesome!
Weight loss courses. 20 kg per week.
Ryazan quarry, ask Pasha the foreman.
The girl who broke off the diet bit the cake to death.
Night falls... civilians fall asleep... dieters wake up and sneak to the fridge!
Lose Weight by Summer is now closed...
Season "I'll lose weight by the New Year!" - solemnly opened!
Maybe stop eating already? Look what ass you ate!
- I want to tell you that you are a so-so waiter.
Man, your wife has lost so much weight lately.
And she had nowhere to go. Bought for her chic, expensive clothes, which she did not even dream of. But two sizes too small.
ANTI-CRISIS DIET:
1. We freeze the sausage, three on a grater, smear the bread with mayonnaise and sprinkle with grated sausage. Tasty and practical, and most importantly - a lot: one sausage is enough for 5-10 sandwiches.
2. If hunger does not let you sleep - quickly pour two glasses of boiling water and go to bed. The brain does not immediately understand that the stomach was deceived.
3. If black bread is rubbed with garlic, it smells like sausage.
4. If you freeze an egg, cut it in half and put it in a pan, you get fried eggs with 2 yolks.
5. Tea can be brewed seven times. On the eighth tea leaves float up to look at this greedy.
A boy wakes up in a hospital room from the ringing of the phone.
- Hello, good morning. This is your doctor.
- What about my tests, doctor?
- Well ... No offense - you have found syphilis, diphtheria, scarlet fever, plague, smallpox, chickenpox and AIDS.
- !!! BUT. . Well then do something!!! Heal!!!
- Yes, do not worry, everything is in order, according to the plan ... From today on, you are assigned a "Pancake Diet"!
- What is it like?
- Breakfast - pancakes, lunch - pancakes, dinner - pancakes...
Will pancakes help?
- I do not know. But this is the only thing that will crawl under the door ...
The dog food has run out. Labrador brazenly demands to eat. I had to go to the supermarket...
I stand in line at the checkout with a full cart of Pedigrees. Some mischievous madam behind asks if I have a dog?
Got it! “No - I bought it for myself! I'm on a diet. Again. Although, probably - and not worth it, because the last time I was on this diet - I ended up in the hospital ... Although before that I managed to lose 25 kilos. And then - bam, and I'm in intensive care, with tubes in all places and with needles in both hands.
Do not let up, infection. Wants to know - what kind of diet and how to stick to it.
Okay, she asked for it. "Very simple. The diet is just perfect. You have to carry pockets full of this muck with you, and every time you feel hungry, eat one or two pieces. In general - a balanced diet, and now you just glow with health! Just like that dog.”
Yeah - the whole queue is already interested, especially - the dude behind this madam. Hehe...
This is to be expected! She wonders - how did I get into intensive care?
“What kind of poisoning are you? I sat in the middle of the road and licked the balls - then the bus hit me!”
Yes! Madame is in a swoon, the dude behind her obviously needs an ambulance. Why bang your head on the floor with laughter? But my mood has lifted a little.
Diet. At first, you eat only vegetable salads for 3 days, then you sit on kefir for 4 days, then you drink one herbal tea for 5 days, then you drink only water for 7 days ... Then nine days ... Then forty days ...
Grandfather and grandmother lived in perfect harmony for 60 years and died on the same day. They open their eyes - there is a blooming garden around, the sun, the air is wonderful, and the young ones themselves are beautiful.
Suddenly, the grandfather rubs the grandmother on the back of the head: “If it weren’t for your diet on semolina for two years, we would have been here!”
Nutritionist - patient:
- So, so, here is your diet: 300 g of stewed zucchini per day, 400 g of chicory greens and as many lettuce leaves as you want.
- Doctor, do you need to hang a bell around your neck or can you graze like that?
Summer is a great time for a diet of apples, pears, berries and grapes.
In liquid form. Alcoholic.
Cider there, wine, you know. Great diet.
Diet "Capital"
you spend all your money on renting an apartment and don't eat anything for a whole month.
Miracle diet - we eat everything and hope for a miracle.
You've lost so much weight! Is this a new diet?
- Yes, carrots, beets and potatoes.
- And what did you do, cook or fry?
- Kopal!
Kefir diet improves mood,
if a package of kefir is diluted with a loaf of bread and a loaf of boiled sausage.
Girls, what's the best diet?
- There is buckwheat porridge without anything.
- Naked, right?
What is your diet?
- You can't taste bad.
- Does it help?
- I do not know. But it's easy to follow.
You look so good, what's your diet?
- Unemployment.
I'll tell you right now - it's not funny! Hello, damn it, the Ministry of Finance??!! Why are you there - you don’t see the coast at all?
All morning the news is ringing - they say meat, chickens (read, and turkeys!) Will rise in price by 10%. Well, after them, as usual, and everything else, our prices can only grow!!
And what did the dog dig into? I still don't understand which one is dumber? Either the Ministry of Finance itself, which didn’t know the situation and, together with the tax authorities, screwed up the shortfall in taxes by 5 lard rubles (they have discrepancies in the law, you see!), Or semi-literate deputies (“stupats”), who wrote this opus (law) so stupidly that it can be read in different ways, ale? Who do you have there??!
And now they decided to amuse us with hyperinflation in the middle of the year! And, after all, they were so proud that it (inflation) fell sharply! Well, here you are, get it, sign it! I repeat - everything will go for meat. EVERYTHING, even mustard, blah!
Well, since you already crap, it’s easier now to forgive the suppliers of these additives for this shortfall! Well, there, declare some kind of tax amnesty!! I also need money for the country! Even for the population, this, in principle, is not so much: 50 million buyers for 100 rubles = here you have 5 lard! Delov something! BUT: it will be EVERY month!!! Those. By the end of the year, we will ALL overpay already 5lX6months = 30 (THIRTY) billion!!! This is the annual budget of the entire Pension Fund FOR A YEAR!! And those, on the contrary, raised their pensions by 7%, but beef and other things by 10% at once! Is this how it is?? And in 2020 we will have all 60 billion!
So either let the pension be raised again by 10% from July 1, or let them pay these 5 billion from their fund (PF RF!)! Or still an amnesty! Or take it from these Zakharchenkos, FSB-shnikov - only two of them have found four times more than they need now. Well, or feel the rest, maybe there is something else ...
I understand that it’s not funny at all ... But, after all, we pensioners are not funnier yet! Here and so you save every rupee, you don’t know what to buy - bread or a bottle of vegetable oil.
About meat - I wound up in vain, it’s all the same, after all, we don’t eat every week - until we save up for a chicken ... So now we won’t eat every week and a half. Abydno, Mlyn!! It’s not like declaring a hunger strike by the whole country - it will work out like that ...
Real client story. I go to a cafe, and there she eats a cake. I told her:
- Masha, you said that you would not buy desserts anymore ...
Outraged Masha:
- But I didn’t buy it, Lena treated me.
I haven't eaten after 6 pm for 3 days.
Gone:
Belly - by 0.0001%
Boca - by 0.0001%
Willingness to live - 99%
You sweat in the gym for two weeks and eat almost nothing
Expectation: a small skirt will fit
Reality: all bras are great
You are prescribed the strictest diet - nothing fried, spicy, smoked, fatty, salty. Otherwise death.
- So this is - and the brine can not be drunk the next morning after drinking, and I have to walk all day with a sore head?
Before the New Year, I planned to lose 10 kilograms. There are only 15 left.
History www.site/id/975192/ and its discussion reminded…
The story of one acquaintance in a smoking-room.
Further, as his mother told him.
“You are the youngest child in the family [eighth - approx. Reader]. He was born weak and from birth toiled with his stomach, sucked his breast badly. And I had some milk. Apparently because of this, a few days after discharge from the hospital, mastitis began. The temperature, the chest is swollen and it hurts - you won’t touch it ... And then the next relatives came to congratulate, the whole day I was torn between them and you. I was so tired in the evening that I fell off my feet. I put you to sleep next to me on a bunk - so as not to get up at night, I was very exhausted. I wake up in the middle of the night and feel so good... I feel that the temperature has subsided and the chest does not hurt ... I felt the chest - it is empty ... The milk has departed, or what? In the dark, she rummaged around the bed with her hands - dry ... I turn on the light, and almost screamed: in the dim light of the night lamp I see that you have blown up to an absolutely spherical shape. Two balls: a smaller one - the head, a larger one - the body. And thin arms and legs. Lies, milk bubbles lets and does not yell. Maybe you didn't have the strength to scream? Or take a deep breath? I must think - both tits blew out of hunger while I was sleeping! They called an ambulance, they thought there would be a volvulus of the intestines or something worse ... ".
I'm standing in line at the checkout at the grocery store, I miss it. I see a woman standing behind me with kefir and green leafy lettuce. And in front of a man with two bottles of good beer.
And then I looked at their faces. Both are middle aged. The man is so rosy-cheeked, cheerful, energetic, you can plow in such a field. And the woman ... tortured, circles under her eyes and a face the color of this very salad. Wow, I think what an illustration turned out - two worlds, two destinies ... here's a healthy diet for you!
Chips, mashed potatoes and vodka are made from potatoes. It seems that other vegetables do not even try.
For a long time it remained a mystery to me how my girlfriend manages to stay on a strict diet for months. Until one day I took a closer look at her trellis with cosmetics: hand cream - nourishing, foot cream - nourishing, face cream - nourishing ... Yes, she, like a unicellular, absorbs food with the entire surface of the body.
Inspired by a story about my grandmother's allergy to moldy jam.
About allergies, I think many doctors can tell quite entertaining stories.
I have already told my story here a couple of times - in the Russian dining room, a kitchen worker fell ill with severe eczema of the hands, and on the weekend there was a significant improvement, and on vacation - everything completely passed. As if the diagnosis of "occupational eczema" is supposed, it remains to understand what exactly causes it.
I gave her a test with chicken protein - then the menu of canteens was mostly chicken - the result is negative.
I began to dig further, we try this and that as potential allergens - we revealed a strong allergic reaction to chlorpromazine. I ask the patient - have you ever taken chlorpromazine? No, he says. I had to apply to the SES so that they wrote an official request for a poultry farm, from where, mainly, that bird went to the dining room. They write us the longest cart: "Antibiotics are added to poultry feed" - then a listing of 17 or 18 items - "and in stressful conditions of the bird - chlorpromazine."
We helped the patient, but the demand for chicken among the doctors and nurses of our clinic then dropped significantly. Personally, I didn’t eat chicken at all for about 5 years.
The second story about allergies was heard at a medical conference in the States.
Once upon a time there was a man, about 50 years old. Divorced, he lived alone, he worked somewhere. Suddenly, he began to develop itchy rashes around his neck (so to speak, "the area of the large décolleté"). When he became completely unbearable, he went to a dermatologist.
The local dermatologist, don't be a fool, did an allergy test.
A positive sample fell out with tetracycline. They begin to ask the peasant if he takes tetracycline or something that contains it. The result is null. Again, it is not clear if a man with an allergy to tetracycline eats or drinks something with tetracycline, then why the reaction is in this place, and nowhere else.
A couple of months passed, as they say, until the doctors dealt with the situation.
A lonely man kept a cat at home.
Which was fed dry food.
The cat liked to lie on the peasant's shoulders, a la "live collar".
That man lived somewhere in the southern states, where it's hot most of the year, so he went home mostly bare-chested, like your Putin.
And a cat lay on his shoulders, and lay like that for an hour or two every day, while the man watched TV or surfed the Internet.
And just the attending physician went to the patient's Facebook page a couple of times and saw several photos of that man with a cat on his bare shoulders. Until that moment, the man did not tell the doctor at all that he kept the cat at home. He believed that the cat can not have anything to do with the disease.
As a result, the doctor asked the patient what kind of food he was feeding the cat.
Tetracycline has been found in decent amounts in cat food.
After changing the cat food, the man's dermatitis went away. At all.
Concerning confirmation of age at purchase of alcohol.
I remember that about 10 years ago we were gathered for a mini-conference (40 people) in some hotel in Maryland, relatively close to Washington. Well, the hotel was good, but very remote from all the benefits of civilization. It stood on the shores of a picturesque bay, where there was a large parking lot of yachts, in fact, basically, the yacht owners lived there. And for these four days, we - the participants of the international conference - were forced to worm their way into their number.
The only way to get out of the hotel was along a narrow paved road leading to some kind of highway. Well, or on yachts and helicopters - which we did not have, because. Deripaska and Abramovich did not participate there.
And we really wanted to get out of the hotel, because. according to some local rules, the inviting party fed us, but did not provide us with alcohol at all, and this was the case during all 4 days of the conference.
A glass of beer at the hotel bar started at $12, which was prohibitively expensive for us. Wines and spirits were even more expensive (20 bucks and up). Apparently, everything was designed for the owners of yachts, and they are not poor guys. Therefore, the four poor Russian participants (and the Belarusians, Ukrainians, Mongols, and Georgians who joined) spent the first two days drinking all sorts of goodies (included in already paid breakfasts, lunches and dinners) exclusively with mineral water and cola.
On the second evening, we all deeply realized how wrong the organizers were with their unexpected "dry law". If they had known in advance, they would have brought it with them, there would be problems ...
On the third morning, I had breakfast at the hotel before anyone else, and an hour before the start of the conference, I went in search of an alternative source of alcohol.
After walking about a kilometer along that narrow road to the highway, I saw some kind of roadside minimarket at the fork in the road, it was already open at 8 in the morning, and there (oh miracle!) There was beer! A lot of beer! Just 2 bucks a bank!
I took 8 pieces of "Budweiser" for 4 Russian participants, already "tired of Narzan".
I understand that before me, pedestrian buyers did not often drop into this store at 8 in the morning to stock up on beer in small wholesale volumes.
The black lady at the checkout was so shocked that she couldn't find anything better than to ask me, a bearded uncle under 40 years old, for ID "to clarify the age"!!!
I showed my aunt the "red-skinned passport", which apparently satisfied her curiosity. Then she, probably, repeatedly told her colleagues that "out of nowhere, a Russian came to me on foot at 8 in the morning, bought up half of the stock of beer and took it with him."
Yes, I forgot to say that I came to her at 8 in the morning for a beer, albeit on foot, but in a suit and tie, because. right after the beer trip, I had a talk at that conference.
I feel that it was my tie that "finished off" the saleswoman.
A selection of humor, jokes, jokes for those who are not afraid to look at their weight with a smile on their face!
Amputation. Last attempt to lose weight.
Do you count calories? - Just before bed, if you want to fall asleep faster.
And mine says to me “what are you so thin, go eat a cake” - And who is yours? Well, inner voice...
White doesn't make you fat... cookies make you fat!
The fight against excess weight ends with the first sip of beer.
Brutus, then selling weight.
It would be great if there was a fat fairy. She would be like the tooth fairy, only she would suck fat
The great Russian actress Faina Ranevskaya (full lady), when her skirt burst in the most visible place, said: - Even the skirt could not withstand the onslaught of beauty. Then she added: - There are no fat women - there are only tight clothes!
You don't sleep all day!!! Don't eat all night! Of course YOU ARE!!!
I’m losing weight from tomorrow: goodbye, extra pounds !!! And you boobs, I'll ask you to stay!
Our whole life is a fuss of diets!
All women want, if not to look slimmer, then at least to weigh less.
You go to the gym and diligently drop those extra pounds there. But you don’t even suspect that they are patiently waiting for you at home, hiding in the refrigerator…
There was a note on the pie in the fridge: "Don't eat me." Now there is an empty plate with a note: "Pies will not command me!"
The main thing in the diet is sleep ... I didn’t fall asleep in time - that’s all ... I ate myself ...
Girl, how much do you weigh? - Secret! - Well, name, at least, the first three digits ...
A girl who is not inclined to be overweight is much more difficult to persuade not to eat cake.
Diet is where it all comes together.
A diet is when you don’t eat sausage, but secretly hamster it!
Diet - this is when you went to the kitchen for an apple, and suddenly ate a cutlet.
Diet - like a rodeo, if you can't resist - it will blow you to hell !!!
Diet - Monday - take an egg, Tuesday - boil, Wednesday - clean, Thursday - eat protein, Friday - eat yolk, Saturday, Sunday - fasting days!
Diet - three days before eating a glass of water!
Diets, diets... I come home from work and cry. Because you want to eat, but only a cat from meat ...
Dietary life deprives her of sweets.
Diet foods:
for Germans - non-alcoholic beer,
for Russians - non-alcoholic vodka,
for Ukrainians - fat-free fat.
To maintain a good figure, a woman needs only three things: a simulator, a massager and a boyfriend.
For happiness, a man needs a woman, and for complete happiness, a full woman.
Diet, like a dress, must be selected according to the figure.
His belly did not fit on the altar of the fatherland.
If you stay on a diet for a long time, you can go to bed.
If a woman weighs 140 pounds, her greatest pleasure is to see a woman who weighs 150.
If a woman wants sweets, then she can always convince herself that this cake is dietary.
If you want your husband to adore you, start feeding him 3 to 5 minutes before he gets hungry.
If you want to lose weight, drink Fairy. It's great at dissolving grease!
If you want to look young and slim, stick close to the old and fat.
If a pig loses weight, it will still remain a pig.
If you are afraid to get better - drink a glass of wine before eating. Alcohol dulls the feeling of fear ...
There is a great hair diet! Add a hair to food, and cravings disappear. Important: you need someone else's hair, well visible!
The wife went on a diet - the husband noticeably lost weight !!!
The wife enters the bathroom and sees: the husband is standing on the scales and pulls in his stomach: - do you think this will help? - of course, how else can I see the numbers ??!
A woman without a belly is like a bed without a mattress.
A woman without a belly is like a house without a foundation.
A woman on a diet costs several times more.
Fat people who do not want to restrict themselves in food see the light at the end of the refrigerator before they die.
The head is responsible for excess weight, and the head does not belong to the digestive organs.
Have you noticed that they are on diets, only those girls who are already so thin, and those who really need it ... don’t even think about it ???
A healthy appetite should first of all be for life, and not for food ...
And why is this candy wrapped in such rustling paper?! The whole apartment can hear how I'm losing weight!
As you know, 1 calorie is the amount of energy spent on heating 1 gram of water per 1 degree Celsius. Thus, if you drink a liter of cold beer, the temperature is 4 degrees Celsius, then your body will spend the following amount of energy to warm it up to body temperature: 1000 grams X (37C - 4C) = 1000 X 33 = 33000 calories. If we take into account that the energy value of a liter of beer itself is about 10,000 calories, then we get 23 thousand calories of pure weight loss, which is equivalent to 30 minutes of jogging. Therefore - drink more cold beer to lose weight!
How little time until summer, how much fat on the sides!
Calories are such small dirty tricks that come at night ... and sew up your clothes.
What magical power would you like to have? - Do not eat after six!
Katya swam 50 meters, Marina swam 100 meters, and Kristina swam with fat and did not swim.
Katya ate whiskas and pulled wallpaper in the hallway, but her husband still called her a cow, not a pussycat.
When I eat, I am deaf and dumb! - you have to eat it so that your ears are pawned!
The Kremlin diet is when butter is smeared directly on the sausage...
I bought tea for weight loss, nothing like that with a cake will do!
Leonid got rid of 80 kg of excess weight. He just divorced his wife.
Summer will show who ate at night!
Summer will show who pumped the press, and who - the door of the refrigerator!
Extra pounds are deposited where they are most noticeable.
The best diet is not to eat what a woman is.
There are most people without excess weight in the cemetery.
The best diet is shopping without money, extra pounds come out with saliva ...
I love my grandmother, for her I am always thin.
Mom, we have nothing to eat at home. Don't worry, I ate at work.
Massage is the best way to lose weight, especially for a massage therapist.
Measure is the best diet.
My wife started seeing a nutritionist and dropped $300 in two months.
A month ago I went on a diet and now I can't get up.
Real scales for women do not show weight. They just write: “But you are the most beautiful!”
You don't have to sit on a diet, but move!
On the way to a good figure, she tried everything except moderation in food and exercise.
On a strict diet they sit until the release of the soul from the body.
There are no souls closer to each other than women on the same diet.
Weight gain is not as scary as eternal weight loss.
No, "Insidious Sausage" - do not tempt me! I don't eat after six!
There is nothing harder than becoming lighter.
There are no fat women, but some women are short for their weight.
Nothing improves the taste of home-cooked meals quite like looking at restaurant prices.
New diet. You can eat anything, but you must definitely look at naked people who are obese.
Here you go. Everyone thought what it would be like to faint. This morning I didn't eat and went skiing. After 4 km in the eyes darkened, nauseous and crashed. Dad fed me snow to make it easier.
Well, of course, I got fat! After birth, I weighed only 3 kg!
Oh, are you overweight? It's not extra, it's a spare.
Gluttony is worse than drug addiction...
Obesity is the best way to avoid rape.
She went on a diet and began to eat only illusions.
Very effective Chinese diet: you can eat EVERYTHING! With just one stick!
A paranoid dieter constantly feels like someone is watching his weight.
First rule of diet: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
The cakes were so light and airy that a couple of kilograms flew in quickly and imperceptibly.
Obesity does not threaten those who feed on illusions!
While the thick one dries, the thin one dies.
Only a toilet is full, but a person is fat!
Fat women will always be in price, because in winter they are warm, and in summer - shade.
I'll help you lose weight! I take care of your lunches and dinners. Student Petrov.
He asked his wife to lose weight so that it would be easier to fulfill marital duties - to carry her in his arms.
After I got on the scales, I realized that on the wrapper the word “cow” is not a name, but a warning ...
In the mornings I arranged fasting days - but in the evening I GOT GOT!
You can lose weight from one feeling - the fullness of happiness.
Previously, the TV was thick, and the viewer was thin - now it's the other way around !!
Recipe for weight loss: eat less, shit more.
Nutritionist prescription: eat less, 50% dose.
The best way to get rid of extra pounds is to leave them on your plate!
A balanced diet is when each hand has exactly the same pieces of cake.
Today my friends and I finally went on a diet and celebrated it at McDonald's.
I ate the blonde "Raffaello", and left the bone to plant.
I'm on a diet, don't break it.
Sat on a diet. I go into the kitchen, I see a bun ... I pass by it and say “Live, mortal!” I just feel like superman!
I sat dreaming. Made beautiful plans for the future. But then I remembered that I'm fat.
I sit on three diets at once, I don’t eat up on one.
Hiding age is easy, weight is much more difficult.
The girl who broke off the diet bit the cake to death.
According to the classic Russian diet, you should eat once a day. But from morning to evening! (
There are girls who cannot be bred for sex even with the help of alcohol, but with the help of delicious food - maybe, maybe.
What's with the bun? - with my future excess weight.
The “butterfly” tattoo on the lower back of a girl who has lost 15 kg has turned back into a caterpillar….
A third of Americans want to lose weight, a third want to gain weight, and a third have not yet weighed themselves.
Fat people live less. But they eat longer.
Diet pills: take three times a day instead of meals!
Do you love fat? - I love! "Then I'm all your baby!"
Three milestones in the life of a modern woman: first love, first divorce, first diet!
A woman sits with me at the nutritionist, he says to her: “You can’t have meat and dough.” She says: “Oh, doctor, can I have dumplings?” Mikhail Zadornov
Women have one religion - thinness!
Ukrainian Old Testament: First there was fat...
I have no conscience. I weigh less without it.
I am not overweight - I have additional places for squeezing and kissing !!!
A street beggar approached a woman who was about to enter a café and exclaimed, "Lady, I haven't eaten in a week." "Blimey! the woman replied. “I would like your restraint.”
It's sad at a banquet when you're on a diet.
Do you want to lose weight? - Shut up!
Do you want to lose weight? Drink kefir! ..and eat kefir!
Do you want to eat? Eat an apple! if you don't want an apple, you don't want to EAT!
Good sex reduces weight, relieves stress, pumps the press!!!
A skinny cow is not yet a gazelle!
I'm losing weight ... don't offer sweets ... don't invite guests, don't give tea, don't feed through the cage!
Skinny girls want to get a little fatter, plump girls want to lose weight, and girls who have everything in order with their weight strive to do both, only in different parts of the body.
To truly lose weight, it is enough to give up three things - breakfast, lunch and dinner. Frank Lloyd Wright.
What else to eat to lose weight?
In order to lose weight in some places, you need not to EAT in some places.
Slag diet. Slag can not be removed, but loaded with a shovel for 5-6 hours a day. Mountains of slag and a shovel are here.
I changed the zucchini to zucchini.
I'm all so sudden - I went to the refrigerator to eat a piece of cucumber and suddenly I ate FIVE CUTLETS !!!
I joined the health club last year by spending $400. Didn't lose a single kilo. Apparently, it was necessary to appear there sometimes.
I've been trying to go on a diet for a month now - every time I eat like it's the last day!
I will always be with you, I will not leave you in difficult times. Whatever happens, remember that I'm there. - Thank you, fat. I appreciate it. Truth.
I carefully monitor my weight and weigh myself every day. If the weight is less than yesterday, I reward myself with something delicious. If the weight is more than yesterday, I buy something tasty to console myself.
Basic rules for those on a strict diet (humor):
1. Food from someone else's plate does not count.
2. If no one sees what you are eating, then there are no calories in the food.
3. If you eat while standing, calories go to the legs and are spent while walking.
4. If you drink diet soda with dessert, they are mutually exclusive.
5. Food used for medical purposes is not considered, including chocolate consumed for energy, ice cream as an antidepressant, etc.
6. Salad dressing and any ingredients in the salad (cheese, ham, tuna, avocado...) do not count. Because you're just eating a salad.
7. The food you eat at the cinema contains no calories because it is part of the entertainment and not part of your personal fuel.
8. Broken pieces of cookies do not count. Only whole cookies contain calories.
9. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
10. The food you taste while cooking contains no calories.
I quit smoking and gained 3 kilos. I started smoking again - I lost 3 kilograms, quit smoking again - plus 3 kg again, smoked again - minus 3 kg. Tell me, doctor, is this normal during the day?
Two friends are talking on the beach: - What's the matter with you, are you so thin?
- I suffer a lot, my husband is cheating on me ...
- So get divorced!
- I can not yet. I want to lose five more kilos.
Today my wife called from Kislovodsk. She says that, thanks to the resort regime, she has already lost one and a half kilograms.
- This is amazing!
- Amazing?!! With her total weight, losing one and a half kilograms is like getting a five bucks discount off the cost of a Mercedes ...
Fat patient at the doctor. Doctor:
- Are you taking diet pills? Patient:
- Drink.
- How much?
- How much, how much ... Until we get hired! 
Doctor, your apple diet for weight loss does not help me!
- Do you wash apples?
- Yes.
- Try not to wash.
I am losing weight on three diets at once. I don't eat one.
Calories are such small dirty tricks that come at night and sew up your clothes.
Girl, how much do you weigh? Well, say at least the first three digits.
Worried about getting fat?
- Certainly! If I didn't worry, I would be even fatter!
A very overweight lady calls a weight loss firm:
- Tell me, does your company really guarantee a significant weight loss in a short time?
- Oh yes, ma'am...
- The fact is that my husband gave me a wonderful birthday present, but I can’t fit into it ...
- Madam, we promise that in 2 months you will be able to freely put on your new dress...
- What's with the dress? My husband gave me a car! 
The wife gets on the scales. The husband grins at the arrow:
- Do you know how tall you should be to match your weight?
- Well, what kind?
- Five and a half meters!
Masha, what is the current trendy diet for weight loss?
- Very simple, Lena: 40 Tick-Tocks for breakfast, 50 for lunch and 60 for dinner. The weight is constant, the breath is fresh. Indeed, weak.
Doctor, I can't go on this diet anymore. Imagine, yesterday I almost bit off my husband's ear.
- It's OK. How can you have a snack. Just think, only forty calories. 
Brain cells are born and die, but fat cells live forever.
A lady on a diet, passing by the refrigerator, turns to herself: “Come on, do I have willpower? Of course have!" And the lady confidently moves away from the refrigerator. Ten minutes later, he once again confirms with satisfaction: “I have willpower! Well done I! - and goes back to the refrigerator.
The great Russian actress Faina Ranevskaya (full lady), when her skirt burst in the most visible place, said: "Even the skirt could not withstand the onslaught of beauty." Then she added: “There are no fat women - there are only tight clothes!”
Two friends meet. one complains:
- I'm so fat! I want to eat all the time, I just can't stop. The other answers:
- And you try to go on a diet, today - a cabbage leaf, tomorrow - a cabbage leaf, the day after tomorrow - too. Soon you won't want to eat. Friends meet in a month.
- I see you've lost weight! Did you take my advice?
- Yeah...
“So, you really don’t feel like eating anymore?”
- I don't want to eat. Live, too.
What is the best way to lose weight?
- Do not eat on an empty stomach! 
The tramp approaches the overdressed woman and says:
- Excuse me, madam, but I have not eaten for six days!
“Oh God,” she sighs enviously.
- I would like your willpower.
How noticeably thinner your wife has lately been!
- She owes this to one ingenious Chinese diet: a whole month to eat one chicken broth with the help of Chinese sticks.
An example of a typical diet: look at bread three times - breakfast, listen to a ballad about pizza - lunch, sniff grilled chicken - dinner.
A doctor says to an obese patient:
- You can eat whatever you want! Here is a list of what you should want.
A woman comes to the pharmacy
- Do you have a cheap and effective way to lose weight?
- There is. Patch.
- Where to glue?
- On the mouth. 
- I am losing weight.
- For a long time?
- Almost half an hour.
- Noticeable already.
- Truth?
- Yeah. The eyes are hungry.
Best Obesity Diet: "If what you're eating tastes good, spit it out immediately!"
The husband says to his wife:
- Honey, we're going to the theater today.
- In big?
Don't worry, you have enough space...